If a girl in a bar tells a guy she’s bisexual, there’s a significant chance his reaction will be a raised eyebrow and an, “Oh, really?” as a series of porn movie scenarios suddenly flash through his mind. If a guy tells his friends he’s bi, the reaction tends to be an unspoken, “Oh, so you’re gay, but are still figuring some things out.” In an era when understanding and acceptance of homosexuality is slowly becoming mainstream, lots of people still think bisexuality is just a sexy hobby.
Well, we spoke to Beth, a bisexual woman, and Jon, a bisexual man about their experiences being switch-hitters in a world that doesn’t make much of an effort to understand them. They said …
#5. Most People Seem To Think Bisexuality Isn’t Really A Thing
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Let’s try an experiment: Open up Google and type “do bisexual.” Two of the top results are “do bisexual males exist” and the more poorly structured “do bisexual exist.” Now consider that 3.1 percent of American adults identify as bisexual, compared with only 2.5 percent identifying as gay or lesbian. But on the flip side, while roughly three-quarters of all gay individuals are openly out, only 28 percent of all bisexuals are out, and only 12 percent of bi men openly identifying as such. Despite being the largest part of the LGBT community, they are also the least comfortable with their sexuality. This is to a large degree due to the fact that people just don’t believe them.
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“If you’re really bi, deep throat this Popsicle. Right now.”
For instance, in a study that was picked up by no less than The New York Times under the “not at all prejudicial” headline, “Straight, Gay or Lying?” researchers actually decided to test out whether or not bi men were telling the truth by strapping them to a machine designed to measure their arousal and showing them some gay porn and some straight porn. They found that all the people who claimed to be bi were significantly more aroused by one or the other, thus apparently proving that bis are filthy goddamned liars. Of course, one-third of the men showed no arousal to either, even though nobody identified as asexual, but why should that stop them from drawing sweeping conclusions from a modicum of data?
But that’s just the way it is for bisexuals — in the collective consciousness, they exist as the mythological fusion of two extant creatures, like a mermaid, instead of a real combination that exists, like a spork. As Beth explained, “People definitely like to label you as just ‘going through a phase’ and will respond with statements like, ‘Oh, yeah, I experimented in college, too.’ And on the off chance you do get them to believe you, they’ll still split hairs by labeling you ‘bi-curious’ or ‘college lesbian’ or, my personal favorite, ‘heteroflexible.’”
Or if you’re a guy “ambidickstrous”.
The backlash from the nonexistent bisexuals over the piece prompted the Times to do a follow-up article where the writer set out on a quest to prove that bisexuals exist, kind of like Bigfoot, instead of just gathering a bunch of people to a porn buffet and watching their dicks. Ultimately, the article concluded that bisexuals do exist and they have some grainy, out-of-focus pictures to prove it.
But bis aren’t just battling science for recognition. Even within the LGBT community, bisexuals are largely marginalized and ignored. According to Jon, “I remember talking to a gay guy at a party once about LGBT issues, and I made some comment to the effect that gay rights help bi people too. The guy responded, kind of angrily, that he didn’t think bisexuals belonged in the movement because, ‘they’ve always had the option of hiding as straight.’ Gay guys have a tendency to view bi men as deceitful.”
“Sell that shit elsewhere, you lying cunt-jockey!”
Another way to put it …
#4. People Think Bi Means “So Horny You’ll Fuck Anything”
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If a TV character is bi, there’s a pretty good chance they’re having more sex than anybody else (such as, Olivia Wilde’s character on House). And why not? Since bisexuals can have fun with pretty much anyone, it only stands to reason that they’re rampaging (man)whores, right? If hetero people can barely keep it in their pants with a mere 3.5 billion potential partners to choose from, it’s just a nonstop orgy once you double that number.
They tried to have a bisexual-only movement, but all the meetings devolved into massive sex-parties.
“I’ve had comments made to the effect that bisexuals are always swingers,” says Jon. “And one girl said she could never date a bi guy because she ‘couldn’t trust him.’” Yeah, that’s the flip side of the “These kinky bastards are down for anything!” myth — an undercurrent of distrust of bisexuals, who are often viewed as deceitful. They refuse to pick a “side” so therefore must be willing to switch allegiances at the slightest provocation, like a naked Game of Thrones (so, regular Game of Thrones, we guess). It’s a pervasive enough idea that GLAAD had put up a page that specifically debunked the notion that bis are constantly rubbing their genitals on each other.
Beth has experienced this slut-suspicion as well: “As much as guys fantasize about wanting a girl who swings both ways, I think a lot of them get nervous when they’re confronted with the reality. Most people view female sexuality as somewhat malleable to begin with, so couple that with just the normal weird shit that women sometimes do like smacking each other on the ass, and they start viewing every woman as a threat. There’s this sort of insecurity that because you can enjoy sex with either gender, then you have to enjoy sex with either gender. Like there’s some piece of you that will always be unfulfilled without another set of giggly bits to play with, rather than a normal, monogamous person who prefers a loving, caring partner over casual sex.”
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“How can she be happy!?! Our balls … they’re gross.”
And then there’s the suspicion that with all the promiscuous sex that these bisexuals are having, they must be a veritable Petri dish of STDs. Beth recalls, “I remember my dad actually said once that bisexuals have more diseases than hetero or gay people (I’m not out to him) [because] they get diseases from straight people and gay people … if I get chlamydia from a man and chlamydia from a woman, do they form some kind of super Voltron chlamydia?” (Note: Beth does not have chlamydia.)
He’s hardly the only one who believes it — the University of Illinois had to spend money (probably your money) researching the fact that bis are not more likely to be carrying crotch plagues than anyone else.
#3. Everybody Assumes You’re Up For A Threesome
Ah, the Holy Grail of sexual exploration: the three-way. You get all the kinky points for doing it while still being too classy to join an actual orgy. The obvious problem, however, is that for maximum enjoyment, someone needs to be ready to chow down on both pieces of equipment. Otherwise, you’re just sitting around, waiting for your turn, and if you wanted to sit idly by while two people go bananas on each other, you could have just gone to the bus station.
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At least there, farting is tolerated, if not outright encouraged.
Since guys in general tend to be more “open” about their sexual desires, Beth has learned to be choosy with whom she comes out to. “I have to be super careful. Once they know I’m bi, it’s like I’m the threesome fairy. They’ll crack jokes about it constantly, in a ‘haha, just kidding, but maybe?’ kind of way. It’s even worse online. Putting ‘bi’ on your profile guarantees you’ll be inundated with requests for three-ways, mostly guys, but a fair number of girls, too. It got bad enough that I think OkCupid actually gives you the option that if you’re bi, you can appear as ‘straight’ to guys so they’ll stop pestering you for a threesome and can go back to pestering you for regular sex.”
But it’s not just dudes trying to attain the Unholy Trinity. “Every girlfriend that I’ve come out to has asked me for a threesome with two guys,” says Jon, “and I would probably guess that a third of my female friends have indicated they would be open to it as well. They try to be subtle about it by saying stuff like, ‘I’ve thought about having a threesome with two guys before’ and then waggling their eyebrows at me. It’s apparently a much more common fantasy than women have let on.”
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“Oh, uh, I was just kidding … Double Stuf Oero?”
Well, ladies, that’s why God invented Craigslist. But there is one challenge that seems specific to the males …